Q & A: ASK A MATCHMAKER YOUR DATING QUESTION
- When is the best time of the year that people tend to fall in love in Seattle? And why?
- What are the main dating mistakes in your experience, and how to avoid them?
- Is it true that opposites attract? Why? And does it last?
- What are the top 3 things you should talk about on a first date? And what are the first date rules?
- Where do couples find their most significant connection? Life goals? Family goals? Special interests? Religion? And why?
- What does someone mean when they say, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
- Can love and lust mean the same thing?
Q & A #1
When is the best and most common time of the year that people tend to fall in love in Seattle? And why?
I am not sure if that kind of time exists, just like there is no ideal age to fall in love. But with my 15 years of experience in matchmaking, usually, I am getting swamped mid-spring and before and after holidays. I think summertime makes people get out more to enjoy sunny weather and share good times, and they want to have a companion to do it with.
Holidays always add psychological pressure on single people. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and Valentine’s Day make people face what they want and where they are in their romantic relationships. Seeing their friends with families and loved ones put additional pressure on singles.
Many people break up around holidays due to unmet expectations and broken illusions. I get many phone calls from both men and women around that time of the year. Often they are looking to be heard first and only then to be matched. It is not uncommon for me to help clients get back with their ex-partners, evaluate their relationship, and restore broken connections due to miscommunications, misunderstanding, and ego-driven reasons.
Q & A #2
In your experience, what are the main dating mistakes and how to avoid them?
Mistake # 1 – Not truly knowing yourself & not taking responsibility of your issues, life, failures and mistakes
“The only way to get what you really want is to know what you really want. And the only way to know what you really want is to know yourself. And the only way to know yourself is to be yourself. And the only way to be yourself is to listen to your heart.” – Mike Dooley
Mistake # 2 – Looking for a PERFECT mate!
- Make sure the essential are matching (dating purpose, personality, life values, and lifestyle)
- Accept and celebrate the rest of the differences – no one is perfect
- Stop Limiting your options by defining the person of your dreams instead of allowing them to fulfill and make you whole with each other.
“You don’t choose the best man – you pick the man that makes you a better girl” – Kelly from “This Mean War” movie.
Mistake # 3 – Not putting enough effort into your love life
Treating dates and dating life casually – you get out of this as much as you invest into this. If you dress casually, act casually and have average expectations –you will get average results. Going into a million-dollar business deal – you will get prepared, dressed, etc. And no – you do now know if you will get that business, but you do your very best, right? Same in dating – understand what you want, who you are, go for it, and don’t get discouraged if it takes time. Just know you will find it when the time is right, and you are ready! You are always attracting the matching energy! Trust me – it always works this way. As soon as you start questioning it and having doubts – the Universe puts your intention on hold!
Mistake # 4 – Waiting to love when everything is perfect – it never will be! Love today! Life is short!
“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon – instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.” ~Dale Carnegie
Mistake #5 – Wasting time on wrong matches
- Don’t rush into a relationship. Take it slow.
- Identify your patterns of being attracted to a particular type of people, know what it is and watch it
- Screen at the initial stage of introduction, not at the end of three months
- Know your deal breakers
Q & A #3
Is it true that opposites attract? Why? And does it last?
It depends on what you consider opposites. I believe that statement is true if we are talking about masculine and feminine energy, and please note, it has no connection with the sexes (men can be feminine, and women can be masculine). True feminine and masculine balance creates harmony and everlasting peace and fulfillment. But, I believe opposites like values, goals, lifestyle, cultures, etc., make the connection more challenging and not long-lasting.
Q & A #4
What are the top 3 things you should talk about on a first date? And what are the first date rules?
It is hard to narrow topics for conversations to just three things. Let me better tell you the top few things not to talk about on your first date! – Your Ex; Sex; Money and Your Problems. And let’s go over the first date rules!
First date rules to remember:
- Have no expectations – enjoy your time – make an agreement with yourself that you are having a great time and not a great date. No matter what… If your date is not the one – make the best out of it and don’t get a “disappointment stamp” on your face. Everyone will notice
- Arrive on your date not to “impress and deliver information” about yourselves, your achievements, and overall greatness but to listen and learn more about your date. Focusing on your date and not on yourself will bring you outstanding results.
- Be genuine, authentic, and relaxed. How? Stop worrying about the outcome – accept before the date that it’s ok if you do not click or don’t like each other and consider that it will be a great gift if you will.
- Focusing on the other person is the best remedy for feeling reserved and uncomfortable.
- Be kind, courteous, and respectful.
- Avoid drinking too much alcohol on the first and second date. Trust me on this one! I cannot tell you how many introductions were ruined by ignoring this rule! The general rule for business and dating is known as one drink and maybe two towards the end, no more. Know your limits and remember less is more.
- Don’t make any assumptions and judgments.
- Don’t give compliments unless you mean it.
- Learn to give the “right” compliments that do not sound like an expert’s opinion unless you are an expert.
- Always give compliments if you mean it – many women ignore that rule – often men are left with no clue at the end of the date if a woman likes him or not. If you want a man to call you and ask you on a second date, make sure you will show him that you are attracted and interested in him – give men the green light – they are not mind-readers!
- Dress appropriately and at your very best. Fresh, crisp, and snappy!!
Turn off your cell phone.
- Gentlemen – always walk a woman to her car, open doors, stand up when she leaves to the ladies’ room, take care of her coat and chair! Don’t underestimate the magic of being a gentleman!
- Ladies –act like a lady and say “thank you,” return phone calls and texts within 24 hours – no excuses. Do not offer to split the bill. Arrive in time, allow men to be a gentleman, open the doors for you, walk you to your car, etc. Men enjoy being with a woman that makes them feel like a man.
- Don’t be late. Always call if you are running late. Five minutes early is on time.
- Be friendly, polite, and generous to the waitresses, doorman, taxi drivers, etc.
Topics for the first date:
- Whatever you are passionate about
- Each others goals and dreams (both romantic and personal)
- Share positive experiences and stories.
- Share something unique about you. Find out the same about your date.
- Ask questions. Balance the amount of time you talk compared to your date.
- If your date is not talkative, try to find a subject that he/she is interested in. Get their vibe!
Topics not to talk about on the first date:
- Your exes, past lovers, husbands/wifes
- Negative current events, personal, world, or social
- Money subjects of any kind
- Your divorce or your break up
- Your kids or family issues
- Bad and negative experiences, complaints of any kind about life, weather, the city you live in, economy, president, traffic, bad hair day, men in general, women in general, etc.
- Judging or belittling others
- Your problems of any kind
- Problems of your friends or family of any kind (bad relationships, money issues, divorces, cheating, etc.)
Q & A #5
Where do couples find their most significant connection? Life goals, family goals? Special interests? Religion? And why?
It depends on the couple, but I would say there are four types of connections:
- Physical– sex-based (chemistry, simple reproduction instincts, human connection)
- Intellectual– mind-based (information exchange)
- Emotional– mind-based
- Emotions are the result of your thoughts. If you have positive thoughts and you will have positive emotions. If you have negative thoughts and you will have negative emotions.
- This connection is ego-based – your ego feeds itself from fear, and fear comes from your unhealed wounds and past conditioning. In a way, emotional connection is always immature.
- Is love an emotion? In my books – no. You can experience a spectrum of emotions when you are in love – being happy, jealous, hateful, angry, etc.
- Spiritual / Conscious– Love is the utmost peak of consciousness.
- Love is only possible in a conscious state of mind.
- Once you start seeing everyone as a certain level of consciousness, you will stop comparing and judging—respecting people’s desires to be who they want to be! That’s universal love!
- This connection is egoless. Love is always unconditional; it is always a giving act (What can I do for you?)
- That connection shall be called a mature emotional connection. Instead of reacting, people are capable of responding.
- If love is conditional, it shall be named desire (“What’s in it for me? Give me! Give me! Give me!”)
If I were to draw the pyramid of human connections (see Pic. 1), then I would start with a spiritual connection at the bottom as the foundation for a relationship.
The top of the pyramid would be a physical/animalistic connection. Both are equally important. Both men and women are looking to find someone “Sexy” and physically attractive (a physical connection) and also someone “Nice” ( a spiritual connection).
- Sexy does not always mean physical attraction. It is more of the energy sync. Someone who makes you “weak in your knees.”
- Nice means someone who is loving and cherishing you and is considering your interests and his own.
Often people give up on nice and run after sexy (tall, dark, and handsome, status, income, education, style, physical attributes, etc.) If you want to avoid finding yourself being hurt and lonely deep down the road, please, at the end of the day, ask yourself: “Did I get a partner, or did I get a lover?
I suggest you make sure you are not only attracted to someone but can build a partnership and be friends with your lovers unless your dating purpose is fun and entertainment.
An intellectual connection is also important, but only after the first two connections (nice and sexy) are met; otherwise, you can join the club by interest to be intellectually stimulated.
Emotional availability is the key to a successful relationship. People can be 10 out of 10, but if they are emotionally unavailable, still getting over their past relationship, or have not healed their past wounds, they will not be capable of giving you the love you deserve. Finding a partner ready for a relationship is non-negotiable if you are looking for a lasting, fulfilling partnership and companionship.
I would also add here having a mutual goal and the same dating purpose (like a long-term relationship, marriage with kids, retirement and traveling the world, etc.)
Q & A #6
What does someone really mean when they say, “It’s not you, it’s me”
It usually means two things:
- Often, men and women are afraid to be upfront and tell you in your face that something is missing in your connections and they want to look for another partner. It’s much easier to say, “I am not ready.”
- It also might be that they are honest and are not at the place when they can consider a full involvement with you due to their recent divorce, break up, health, money, kids issues, etc.
Whatever the reason for this – it doesn’t matter – because in the end, you are facing an unavailable partner, and you will feel dissatisfied, disappointed, and heartbroken at the end regardless. So if you are looking to fall in love with someone and live “happily ever after” – after you hear – “I am sorry it’s not you – it’s me” – say “Thank you” – be grateful it ended and leave!
Q & A #7
Can love and lust mean the same thing?
No, love and lust are not the same things. But they can coexist at the same time, and people can experience both simultaneously; that’s why it gets so confusing.
Lust means desire. Desire is ego driven. It comes from a place “What’s in it for me? Give me-give me-give me”. That’s your “human-animal.”
Love is your “human spirit.” It’s ego free. It’s caring, giving, nurturing. It’s a giving act. It’s caring about another and considering his interests.
Once you experience both simultaneously, you know you have found your perfect match! And that’s what I wish to all of my clients!
ASK SOPHIA: ANSWER YOUR MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION
For over 15 years, Sophia’s foundational strategies, coaching tools, and extended social circle of connections have helped thousands of singles create long-lasting and fulfilling relationships and bring their love life to the next level.